2-25-2011 (Friday)

I'm just making a quick entry! I can't believe I'm 30 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am so grateful, blessed, and happy that I'm in the final stretch. I can NOT believe I only have 9 weeks 5 days until I meet my precious baby girl! I have an ultra-sound on the 8th of March and I can't wait to see my precious baby again. She has been super active these past few days and her kicks were getting stronger so now I'm feeling her on the outside again even though she's sitting low. I can't wait to find out if she's head down yet or not. I really hope these next two months fly by quickly.

Things with Carmelo aren't any better, hell we haven't even really talked or texted much since Sunday. I know it's inevitable that we are really over, I'm trying to keep all hope out of my mind and heart but that's easier said than done. Though in all honesty as it comes closer to me meeting my precious baby girl the loneliness for a partner is less dominant. I'm having an easier time being without him than I was in the beginning.  

Annoyed....

How can one person annoy me so intensely? The guy who lives with us has been going on NON-STOP since about 2 hours ago trying to find the "perfect" vehicle for my sister to buy all the while neglecting the price range, style, ect that my sister has her eye on. This wouldn't be so bad but this has been a nightly occurrence for the past week and everytime she voices her opinion (Mind you it's HER money and he is just a friend of her fiance's) he gets an attitude and acts offended.  

I'm safely tucked away in my room as always but I can still hear this annoying crap even over the loudness of my TV! UGH!

My back pain is intense as always and I feel soooooooo heavy! I have heartburn and just want some peace and quiet! :(

2-21-2011 (Monday)

Well I have nothing exciting to really "blog" about so this will be short...this weekend was okay. Carmelo called me Saturday night and said he was going to a hotel to sleep and I could come if I wanted to. Okay well of course I WANT to...ends up that he said he just wanted me to come use my ID to get his beer...ah hell no!! I smashed everyone of those beers onto his car and windshield. Fucker! He ended up getting like 2 drinks of his beer. I was insulted and sad and although I wanted to smash his face, I just smashed his beer. He ended up giving me gas money and apologizing but I am still hurt. It seemed like he wanted me to come stay the night with him....well he text me last night and we chit-chatted off and on all evening...then again today. I doubt he'll ever come back to me but I'm trying to be civil as best as I can be. My back pain is terrible lately. I'll be 30 weeks in two more days and I'm excited!

Valentine's Day...

Well it's the day of love...I'm single so I just kicked back and made dinner, ate, and slept. I am boring of course but of course it's okay. I'm now watching the new episode of "all worked up" I got a hold of Carmelo earlier and luckily his phone is back on. It was off because he didn't pay his bill Saturday so in the evening it got shut off. I told him that I was worried about him just changing the number and disappearing and ignoring me. He said he wouldn't do that at all so I feel better. I knew I was thinking too negatively because of my crazy hormones as well as my own insecurity. I feel better...much better.

Anyway I am ready to go to sleep for the night but if I do go back to sleep for the night I'll end up in the middle of night unable to sleep anymore. I'm glad they upped my Cymbalta back to 60mg...I'm hoping I'll start feeling better soon. I have my doctor's appointment Friday and then every two weeks after that. I'm glad to know that I'll be having another ultrasound to check baby's growth in 3 1/2 weeks. I can't believe I'm quickly approaching the 30 week mark BUT I'm "trying" not to keep track...hahaha so far no luck on that though.

I got a new bed! Yay!

So I finally got my new bed today and I'm so grateful and excited! I so <3 my sis!!! My room is totally re-arranged and ready for my baby girl to move in now! :) I can't wait until she's actually here....I got a cool new pinkish red bedding set also. I'm so beyond happy!

Third trimester today! YYYAAAAYYYY!

I'm so excited that I've been blessed enough to reach this point in my life! OMG only 12 more weeks until I meet my baby girl! AAAAHHHHH I can't wait!!!!!!!!! I love her so much already I just can't wait to see her smile, look into her pretty face, give her my lovins! I can't even wait to hear her cry! I dreamed last night that I had a boy...yeah I doubt it unless the tech was wrong! That would be too weird having already decided on a girl's name, ect.

I also went back to brown hair...that way the roots aren't so obvious when my hair grows out! I can't dye it anymore because it's breaking terribly and in horrible shape! I deep conditioned it for like 6 hours today, hopefully it will get healthier soon. Oops I forgot I had posted about my hair the other day...oh well here are two new pics anyway...I hate the second one but oh well I'll look better once it grows some more.

Oh wow Cami Jo is kicking away in me right now...I love feeling her so much!

Back to brown again......

So I dyed my hair back to brown, close to my original color....

And now Carmelo has made it official that he wants nothing to do with me...including being friends. Wow! My heart is breaking so bad. I hate this and I hate the fact that he has abandoned me regardless of me being strong I am devastated!

I hate my life!

So I'm not feeling very happy now. Carmelo starting texting me earlier...he always succeeds in ruining my mood and making me cry and feel so worthless and like a fat useless cow who he'll never love or want. 

I am beyond depressed. I don't want to be with anyone else. I am sick of feeling this way!

Saturday 2-5-2o11

Today has been okay. I've been dealing with a head/sinus cold today and last night. I still don't feel good. Baby has lodged herself under my right rib cage and it is painful. She moved for awhile and was kicking slightly but after I feel asleep, well when I woke back up she was back up there again. It's really not a comfortable feeling.

I didn't get to go sign in today because I have been sleeping pretty much the entire day due to being sick, when I did wake up it was raining pretty hard. Hopefully they'll understand  that I just couldn't get in there to sign in, I can barely move, let alone drive. :(

2-3-2011

Okay today is much better....Carmelo text me before he went to work today and I guess I'm meeting him tomorrow before he goes to work...whatever it is what it is!  I was glad to be able to leave the house today and not be snowed in...I went and signed in. It was nice to just get out and drive. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, I have to be there by 8:30am to do the glucose test and schedule my 32 week ultra-sound which is still 5 weeks away, but I'm still excited!

why do I do this to myself everytime?

Why do I continue to torment myself? I have been or was talking to Carmelo again through text...I spilled my heart to him and he comes back with "I am your partner"....I say no carmelo, a partner to me is a lover, a friend, you know partners in a relationship...he comes back with "hell no, I mean I'm sorry I can't"........I'm like "wow" then he texts me and says I don't want u to get mad either........wtf? How can I not? Now he won't answer me. If there wasn't a fucking vehicle blocking mine in I would fucking drive to his house and talk to him. I don't want to be a raging lunatic but is it soooo hard to have a full fucking conversation with me? I mean really? Nothing pisses me off more than being ignored! It pushes my buttons hard and really enrages me badly! He knows this so for him to not answer his phone or my texts is him purposely pushing me into a rage! I am seriously ready to fucking drive out there and whip his ass! I mean really! The longer I sit here and he doesn't answer me the more pissed off I get!!!! I don't deserve this and I can't handle it right now! Why do I do this to myself every fucking time with him? I wish to God I could have the strength to never contact his stupid punk ass again! UGH!

I just sent the worst texts to him ever! I wished the worst upon him and said some really evil hateful things but I meant every bit of them! I fucking don't care anymore! I hate him with all of my heart right now and I will never reach out to him again! At this point I wish he would die! I never wish shit on people but I fucking HATE him and his rejection and ignoring me! I hate HIM!!!

Ugh.......

I am soooooooo sick of Carmelo and sick of caring about him...he's off work so we've been texting...then I start or attempt to start a damn serious conversation and all of sudden he stops texting. I know the damn lines are frozen and both of our signals suck but I find it hard to believe that in fact he didn't get those messages. What a fucking douche bag! UGH!

27 weeks pregnant....

So I'm 27 weeks today, next week I'll be in my THIRD trimester! WOW! Only 13 more weeks until I can hold my beautiful baby chica in my arms! Here are a couple of the pictures I took of this week's land mark!

I absolutely LOVE this picture of myself!

These are pretty cool too!

 

I like this one as well. I'm so excited that it is finally February! I am having a little bit of an easier time trying to deal with not being Carmelo. I told him today that I wanted him back but obviously I didn't get a real response...he tried to call me but it was all static...I told him I wanted him back like 10 minutes before he had to clock into work so I knew it didn't give him time to have a real conversation with me. I did that on purpose. I have been debating on asking him if we can sit down and really talk about things, but I don't want to hear "no" so I haven't. There is only 3 months until our baby is born so I know I need to give him some more time to enjoy being single before I really put effort into attempting to find out if we have a shot at getting back together. I mean my heart says it's still a possibility or maybe it's just my hormones...I don't know...either way I text that to him so the next move is on him. I don't hold my breath that anything will come of it though so I'm going to re-focus again, I find myself having to do this quite regularly lately. 

I am beyond sick of this weather. I haven't been able to go sign in for the past two days and I'm afraid that I will get into trouble. I realize that there really isn't much to be done but I am going to have to try and get in there tomorrow. I mean some more places are back to be open today so hopefully the weather will chill and I'll be able to make it in tomorrow.