New Year's Eve.....

I am so fucking pissed right now......I am ready to rip DBF's balls off for real! Seriously WTF? He was supposed to come spend new year's eve with me and he's being an ass hat and I'm ready to drive to his house and rip him a new ass hole seriously! Grr!

I am so surprised that I have been sleeping as much as I have. I just woke up from an hour and a half nap and I'm not even sick....I mean I guess being pregnant makes me more exhausted but I literally laid down and was planning to just rest my eyes but I ended up falling and staying asleep for a bit. I seen Carmelo today as usual and I'm kind of annoyed because it doesn't look like he'll be coming over tomorrow night to ring in the new year with me. I mean I really can't be too mad because he did come and was here all last weekend and of course spent Christmas eve and Christmas day with me and my family but I mean he kept asking what we were doing and said he would probably come over. I don't know...he's said a couple of things that make me suspicious and I don't know if I'm being un-reasonable or if I should be concerned....he asked if I had his pics up and I told him that yeah I did on facebook and on the forum I belong to...he said..."well I don't want to be all over the internet" I wanted to freak out on him but instead I explained to him that only my friends could see my pics and then he asked me if I had made any new friends....okay that was a little weird...I told him that I thought it was odd unless he is seeing or messing around with someone and he's afraid she'll see his pics...he said "yeah" and then laughed and kissed me.....he's the king of trying to get a rise out of me and I'm doing my best to be rational but sometimes I want to let my anger/insecurity come out on him...I told him I didn't appreciate the comments and that it seriously wasn't cool of him to say things like that and if he is indeed doing something I deserve to know the truth so I can move on...he said he wasn't and kissed me and held me and rubbed my belly...he said he was just kidding....he used to do this ALOT but stopped when he realized I wasn't gonna feed into it anymore....I got him used to drama and even for me at times it's weird to be in a calm and drama free relationship and even I tend to want to stir some up sometimes to get a reaction out of him BUT I have been able to identify when I'm feeling that way and pinpoint the source of my insecurity...I've done a damn good job at keeping my feelings and actions in control. I went from wanting to "slit his tires, his throat (not literally), ect" to being sane rational and keeping myself from even getting majorly annoyed at anything involving our relationship and I'm damn proud of how much I've changed. I don't throw it up in his face but I did point it out today that I have totally changed the things that made him uncomfortable and changed the behaviors that I was doing that were pushing him away. He sometimes thinks I really don't love him, that I just want money or am bored or some other reason I'm with him...sometimes he thinks it's just because of the baby that I am trying to be with him. This is for sure through fault of my own however now instead of getting mad I try to let him know how much I appreciate him and love him and want to spend my life with him. I mean I don't want to smother him but I don't want to be cold...I must continue to maintain a healthy balance in between the two but sometimes that's easy said than done.

12-30-2010

Twenty two weeks exactly today! Yeeeah! I'm so ready to be at my 40 week  mark so I can meet my precious lil C ami Jo. I have one more cigarette left and I soooooooooo want to stop smoking, I know since I quit coke after 10 years of using and I don't drink and quit pot after soooooooo many years of smoking due to being on probation (way before I got preggo) I KNOW I can stop smoking but damn it's hard...!!

I probably won't blog all weekend coz it's the new year and Carmelo is supposed to be coming over tomorrow to spend some time....we'll see...anyway Happy New Year!

Need to vent.......

Okay so what a very frustrating evening I'm having so far. I hate when things are going soooooo well only to slam hard into a brick wall! I'm soooooooo beyond trying to work things out and make sure things are going smoothly and so much for trusting blindly...I was so blown away by Carmelo's ignorant ass text ......we had a great time today before he headed to work and the only thing I said that coulda pissed him off (even though I don't know why it would) is that my car died and this person who lives with us was supposed to come pick me up....I mean he was on his way to work so it wasn't like I could ask him to turn around and come back to get me coz he woulda been late. I let him know that I made it home safe and that my car started....when he got to work he replied "ye whatever"....so I texted him back and asked him why he said that....he eventually responded with "cuz I hate u" OMG where the fuck did that come from? I mean things have been GREAT between us, he was just searching my phone, asking me questions (not bad) and admitting he was a bit jealous....we made out ALOT...just hung and enjoyed each other's company (or so I thought) as we do everyday...he kept kissing me and loving on me, ect....

I just don't get where that came from and normally I would lash out and blow the fuck up on him but I just asked him why he felt the need to send me that text...if he feels that way for real he needs to tell me....blah blah blah...I'm done stressing about it now....

My freaking fuel filter is sitting on the table and needs to be put in my car...I wish I was mechanically inclined because I sure as hell wouldn't need anyone's help to do something as simple as a fuel filter but I'm clueless! Grr!

OKAY UPDATE:
Well he called me on his break and said that he was just joking...he figured I would know that...BUT I said that he should tell me he loves me instead of saying he hates me...he apologized so I forgave and am letting it go...he doesn't realize though on the outside I've got it "together" I am still hormonal at certain times but I don't want to burden him with it so I don't bring it up anymore....Anyway I feel much better and I'm glad that I didn't over-re-act and blow up on him...I love that man so much and it kills me that he has soooo much power over my emotions...I guess that's the price I pay for loving and trusting him with all of my heart!

So I just had a bowl of Dora The Explorer chicken soup...sooooooo yummy! I can't believe I'm 22 weeks pregnant...it hit me a few minutes ago like "wow" I have been having these moments frequently but I must admit they are just as intense each and every time. I filled out the family info part of Cami Jo's baby book last night...I can't wait until she's here and I can put her pics and foot/hand prints in there...OMG I'm really a Momma! WOW! Okay so I guess being over halfway through it shoulda sunk in by  now but it's just soooooo incredible to me!

12-28-2010 8:20pm

Well today was good. I had a great therapy appointment and then an awesome time with Carmelo...gosh I really do love that man. I am very happy and it makes me happy to see him so happy with me as well. Anyway I don't know why but just a short bit ago I started feeling kinda sad...guess it's just hormones or something since all is going well.

Dinner was good and though I limit my portions every single time I eat lately I feel overly bloated and stuffed......even if I LITERALLY have 5 small bites of salad. Oh well I can live with the dis-comfort obviously I just want my Cami Jo to be healthy! I guess I'm gonna play a few games of literati...I'm sooooo bored....Carmelo goes on break here in a few so our text routine will start...yeeah for texting hahaha! 

I guess I don't have anything left to jot so I'm out for now!

12-28-2010

Well I just woke up from the most horrible dream...I mean it was weird and scary....I dreamed that I had just been released from prison and was going to retrieve my THREE kids...the oldest was a boy who was like 13 and handicapped...the second was a girl and the third was a baby boy...it wouldn't have been so bad BUT like I said in my dream I was just being released from prison (been there once for 2 years I have NO intention of living that life or making the same bad choices that led me to that situation ever again)....and my precious kiddos were living  in some scummy ass apartments with neglectful people.....in my dream I couldn't understand why in fact my family hadn't taken care of them and it was just terrible. Now that I'm writing it out I don't feel like it was as scary as when I first awoke from it but I mean it rattled me to say the least....okay I guess I just needed to get that crap out of my head.

I feel pretty decent though I feel like I don't have much energy lately. I have my weekly therapy session today at two then I am meeting Carmelo afterward before he goes to work. He wanted to see me yesterday but I had a lot to do so I didn't end up meeting him. I am happy that he is being so good to me...I don't expect anything, least of all perfection BUT he is doing so well I can't help but wonder if/when things will change for the worst. I feel that I should just enjoy life for what it is and realize that it is here because he chooses to be and wouldn't be unless he wanted to be. He made that perfectly clear...but anyway I guess I'm done journaling for now....I need to wake up some more and get my date started....

Christmas was great........

I so can't complain..I had a great Christmas....all the gifts were awesome...my favorite gift was my new phone of course....I don't want to sound greedy and beyond a shadow of a doubt I LOVED everything that I received. The best part of all for sure though was spending time with Carmelo....my family invited him in with open arms...he came Christmas eve and spent two nights and three days here with me. OMG I love just relaxing with him and us just being together.....even though he was sick with a bad cold it was great. He has really came around and adjusted well to all the changes....he agreed to us naming her Camilla Jolyn and it's soooo weird how his father's name is Camillo, he is Carmelo, now she is Camilla....I didn't know his father's name before this! I firmly believe our lil beans name themselves if we just listen to our intuition....maybe I'm too hormonal haahaha!

Well here are some pics of us and him and BIL......I sooooooo love him in my "monkey shoes" my house slippers that he took to wearing hahaha! Soooo cute!

Night BEFORE Christmas Eve.....

So we had an awesome day/evening. I went with my family to my brother in law's parent's house...absolutely sweet...dinner was great but greatest of all is that my DBIL finally proposed to my sister and put her ring (which he intended to do Christmas morning) on her finger! Yeeeah for love! I have never had such stability in my life as far as a "surrogate family" they are great and so full of love........our families mesh well together and I will be so happy and grateful to have them in my baby's life as well! Yeeeah for family!

Ultra-sound today!

Okay so I already vented all I needed to about feeling sad about the way the pics turned out but to be honest if it is my size then I have no one to blame but myself. I'm so grateful she is doing good, I was happy to be able to see her gender and her face extremely clearly on the screen. I wish Carmelo coulda been there to see it but I txt him the face pic but sadly he couldn't see the detail. I was worried what he would say when I told him we are having a girl and that I was a little disappointed at first since I "thought" (more like wishful thinking) that it was a boy....anyway he doesn't understand why it would make a difference. He says he loves and cares about the baby and the gender doesn't matter at all. That made me feel a million times better because Oscar (my ex)'s way of thinking is that daughter's are inferior so I was expecting the worst re-action but once again he pleasantly surprised me. Gawd I love that guy! I went shopping for some clothes for my baby girl, I got her some really cute outfits and the cutest little sockies....I so can't wait to meet my little princess! Yeeah for babies!

Am getting ready for therapy....I have a lot to talk my dear therapists ear off about today. I must admit though I'm NOT looking forward to driving in the snow though. After my session I'll be seeing my hunny before he heads to work......I'm sooooooooooooooooo looking forward to him being off this fri, sat, and sun! I really do love him I can't wait to curl up in his arms and feel his strong embrace! I can't believe Christmas is so close....those gifts under the tree are so tantalizing hahaha! I'm disappointed that I can't get a disk for Carmelo to watch. I wish he'd make a way to be there but I realize work is very important as well...I can't fault him for being responsible but it still kinda sucks...at least my sis and mom will get to experience the joy with me though!

9:05pm...I'm chilling now watching family guy.....I'm gonna have my sister record the ultra-sound so Carmelo can see it and also so I can have it forever and ever. Mom never even heard our heartbeat let alone had an ultra-sound so I think it would be an awesome thing to show our baby if they are ever interested in seeing it once their grown. I am feeling a little better but besides being pregnant this cold is leaving me completely drained. I feel sick and my nose is itchy and running and I can't stop sneezing....oh well it'll get better soon.   Therapy was great today then after dropping Mom off to work I met Carmelo and spent some time cuddled up in the car with him...I so can't wait until I can spend all night curled up in his arms....man another thing is sometimes when I sneeze I "leak" and it's getting really annoying....I'm gonna have to go grab something for dinner coz my tummy is rumbling....I made pasta salad (small shells, tuna, peas, mayo (or miracle whip) and garlic powder and all seasoned salt.)
Wow it sounds soooooo yucky but it is soooooooooo good....an old "poor family staple" back in the day...now I have only had it twice since being grown and both times were during this pregnancy hahaha. I slept some this evening, didn't wake back up until 7pm...fell asleep about 5pm but I'm still soooooooooo sleepy! Gotta run and eat and get ready to watch the new teen mom! Yeeeah!

12-21-2010

Okay I'm trying to chill but I'm sooooooooooo excited...tomorrow morning at 10am I will FINALLY find out for sure if we're having a boy or girl...I can't WAIT to know if I'm carrying Cayden Carmelo (maybe will spell it Caiden or Caeden) or Camilla Jolyn. It feels like it has been FOREVER! hahaha! I'm beyond ready needless to say! I wish Carmelo could be there but I'm about to call the Imaging Center to find out if I can get the ultra-sound on a disk so that I can show him on Christmas Eve...OHHH I'm sooooooooooo anxious and ready to see my baby!

Okay I'm bored so here I guess I'll add a lil more...12/20/2010

Okay well I'm sitting here bored...just finishing up dinner...(how sad that I'm sitting on my bed, in front of my laptop, eating wow!) But it is becoming a ritual or so it seems more and more lately now that my tailbone aches so badly when I sit on a semi-hard to hard surface (ie the kitchen chair)....my big ole bed is much more comfy now that I'm getting farther along.

Gawd I hate having a cold, my head is throbbing, my sinuses aching, I can't stand it! I want some NYQUIL but I don't know if it's safe because of the alcohol in it. 


I must admit I'm feeling very happy though, Carmelo gave me a hundred dollar bill for no good reason today other than the fact that I mentioned that I needed gas and could use some kind of medicine for my cold....I ended up feeling up my gas tank and giving sis $60 for Christmas from him (since it was his money)....

Anyway I'm gonna try and post some pics of my family...hope they come out okay...

Me and my hunny....

Hi there....This is one of my favorite pictures of myself and Carmelo....the love of my life and the wonderful man that I am having my baby with! I never imagined finding someone so wonderful let alone at the time in my life that he came along. I'm very grateful for his love and support.