12-28-2010

Well I just woke up from the most horrible dream...I mean it was weird and scary....I dreamed that I had just been released from prison and was going to retrieve my THREE kids...the oldest was a boy who was like 13 and handicapped...the second was a girl and the third was a baby boy...it wouldn't have been so bad BUT like I said in my dream I was just being released from prison (been there once for 2 years I have NO intention of living that life or making the same bad choices that led me to that situation ever again)....and my precious kiddos were living  in some scummy ass apartments with neglectful people.....in my dream I couldn't understand why in fact my family hadn't taken care of them and it was just terrible. Now that I'm writing it out I don't feel like it was as scary as when I first awoke from it but I mean it rattled me to say the least....okay I guess I just needed to get that crap out of my head.

I feel pretty decent though I feel like I don't have much energy lately. I have my weekly therapy session today at two then I am meeting Carmelo afterward before he goes to work. He wanted to see me yesterday but I had a lot to do so I didn't end up meeting him. I am happy that he is being so good to me...I don't expect anything, least of all perfection BUT he is doing so well I can't help but wonder if/when things will change for the worst. I feel that I should just enjoy life for what it is and realize that it is here because he chooses to be and wouldn't be unless he wanted to be. He made that perfectly clear...but anyway I guess I'm done journaling for now....I need to wake up some more and get my date started....