new pics and back to blond...woot woot....I'm HUGE but HAPPY! hahaha!

Yay!

I am so excited that the 96 Lumina seems to be a good ride for the price we paid. I am excited that I am only 5 weeks away from my due date and that I am feeling decent for the most part. I hate that I am feeling sooooo much pressure in my pelvic area...I feel like the baby literally is gonna fall out! I think tomorrow I am going to take a 35 week picture then one again at like 38 weeks.

Monday.......blah......

Oh I am so over life and it's stresses at this point in time. Ugh! I can't believe the burban's tranny went out....we don't have a second vehicle....and Carmelo text me a dumb text saying "LOL?" Okay he needs to be more careful about not sending me texts so obviously meant for someone else because we have only texted a few times in the past long while....I text him early this afternoon asking if he knew where a car was for like 800-1000 bucks, he said he didn't and that was that...he didn't inquire about our son in my belly, didn't ask how I was, didn't give a damn to conversate with me at all. I feel sick inside, sad, and very lonely. 

Life is really hard right now...I am grateful beyond belief that my son is healthy and growing great inside of me and still very active but I'm still very very sad that Carmelo and I aren't together anymore. My heart breaks over and over again and no matter how hard I try I just can't get over it. I have left him alone but inside I deal with the torment and sadness on a daily, sometime hourly basis! I just want to be loved by someone I can equally love and respect in return. I wish Oscar would freaking get back here and contact me already or at least call me so we could talk. If he's with his family and not incarcerated in mexico which I'm sure he's not incarcerated I wish he'd find a way to call me. I can't contact his family because his brother was really rude to me for the first time ever in our last text convo. I know he's not healthy for me either but I really do miss him and him  being there for me. ugh!

Wednesday....3-23-2011

Weeeell......I am up early as heck today. Have  been being a "grease monkey" the past two days....once we get the parts to rebuild the engine in the blazer I'll be a grease monkey again hahaha! Anyway Cayden keeps moving like crazy in me and I LOVE feeling him. I can't believe there is only six weeks left until I can finally meet my lil man. I took the tags off and washed all of my baby's clothes and blankies...got the diaper bag ready to go and stocked the diaper storage thingy on my pack n play so I'm pretty much ready to go....I put the bouncer seat together....car seat is out of the box...only thing left for me to do is put the stroller together I guess. :)

I met and started talking to this white guy...he's so not my type but honestly we have similar interests but sadly he's a pot-head...wouldn't be an issue but I'm not so good with temptation and being on probation for probably at least another 2-3 years I can't risk myself. I would never want to put my baby through the crap I went through with visiting my dad in prison...IMO this would be much worse because I'm his Mommy and since I have no real faith Carmelo is going to be any real sort of stable constant figure in our son's life I will be doing it on my own with the help of my wonderful loving family. No way is any substance going to get in the way of me being able to be a wonderful mama to my lil man!

So anyway I hope these next 6 weeks fly by because I can't sleep well at night, am tired of he physical aches and pains of my back on a daily basis. It's for sure worth it of course because OMG the miracle blessing growing inside me is worth any and everything I may ever have to endure without a doubt.......but I'm ready for the six weeks to be done with...just saying hahaha!

random stuff....

I just wanted to post the pics of the blankie I made for Cayden Alexzandre and the pics of Emmy :)

I am so lonely :(

I am really feeling lonely. The recent contact with Carmelo has made this painfully come back to the surface. This shit sucks and I HATE feeling this way. I wish Oscar would call me from Mexico. :(

Baby daddy.....

Well today I had contact with Carmelo....he gave me $100 towards clothing and things for our son. I told him calmly how I felt...I let him know that I still miss and love him very much and would love for us to work things out...I let him see the ultrasound pics of our baby boy and let him know that I really needed to know if he was going to be there for his son. I can't teach my baby boy to be a man...I can only do my best to be a good mother but I feel all children need a father figure in their life....he seems like he is going to be there no matter what happens between us....we ended up hugging and I kissed his cheek. I shed a couple of tears but quickly regained control and kept it positive and civil. I asked him to please make sure that he gets back with me if I text or call him because I won't be doing so in order to annoy or aggravate him...I want him to be available when I go into labor so he can come to the birth of his son if he wishes to do so...he agreed. I know he cares, his feelings were shining in his eyes...I mean he cares for Cayden but I don't think anything will ever come of our relationship beyond civil parenting for our son which is the most important thing......anyway I love and miss him so much but I will keep it under wraps because I don't want to get all hormonal again.

I got some really cute outfits for my lil man and am almost done with a baby blanket for him because I had made a really adorable one when I believed the tech that I was having a girl so I have to and want to make one now that I know I'm really having a boy! I should be finished with it by tomorrow or Sunday at the latest...just have to sew his name on it and put the monkeys on and the backing then it shall be finished...I'm excited....baby boy is kicking away as I type this...I can't wait to meet my lil man!

I met someone......now what do I say to him?

Update: well I sent him a long winded email...I ended up going back and really looking at his pics...I'm thinking "umm not so much" ugh I don't mean to sound shallow because I really am not but I dunno I just didn't get the sense that I will be attracted to him physically at all...I'm not however ruling anything out...I'll hold out for more..maybe better pics...:(

Okay so I met someone online from my same town and I'm skeeeeered. He seems very interesting...his email was very diverse, non-sexual, like he has a really good vibe and seems like he has an awesome outlook on life....he knows I'm pregnant and expecting my first bebeh...I read his email a short while ago (I actually seen his profile and contacted him first) anyway now I have no idea what to say. He is a bigger guy which normally doesn't do much for me but he's a cutie....ugh why do I not know what to say to someone intelligent and interesting??!!??

I will have to think about it and sleep on it I guess but I have to figure out what to say to him...I don't want to sound silly but at the same time we are both pretty much looking for the same things....friendship that may eventually lead into something else and eventually long term. Ugh I hate being brain froze hahahaha! Anyway I don't expect anything but some friendly conversation would most certainly be welcomed.

I still hate hiim but........

I am glad he made an effort to call me and let me know when I could count on some financial help from him in getting more clothes and stuff since I'm still needing to get a few things. His damn voice still makes heat rush through my body and gives me butterflies. I freakin love that fool beyond belief and I really in my heart of heart want to be with him and have our little family! UGH!

Anyway I'm happy to say I only have 50 days until my bebeh boy is born and he's still as active as ever!!! :D

I hate men!

I effing  HATE  the father of my child!!

Saturday 2-12-2011--Bored--

Okay so I sit here bored outta my mind but content none the less. I'm sad kind of because Carmelo hasn't bothered to text me or anything today or yesterday..I feel like kind of let down and sad like he couldn't care less that we have a son on the way. Oh well I've kind of made peace with the fact that he probably won't be in Cayden's life but it still makes me sad. I'm always optimistic that he'll come around but I'm realistic and really doubt it will happen.

Anyway 48 hours needs to hurry up and come on because there is nothing good on tv and I've seen this "lock up raw" like too many times already. Cayden has been somewhat active tonight but not very much but dang I feel quite a bit of pressure on my hooha and it's making me worry that he may come sooner than expected.


Since we are down to one car with a broken shock I haven't been able to take anything back to the store to exchange but my sis and them are supposed to look at and purchase a cheap suburban as a knock around vehicle tomorrow so I'm hoping that actually happens. I can't stand being cooped up but I never normally want to go out but it sucks that I can't even if I want to.

Anyway I took a couple of 32 week pics today and I'm freakin HUGE hahaha!

My 32 week ultrasound videos

open eyed babyrubbing his head!

wow.......

Okay I'm still tripping this morning...when I woke up to my little man kicking me out of habit I about said "ahh mama's baby girl is awake already"....um no! I had to say "mama's little man" hahaha! Too cool! I'm super excited...am hoping Carmelo will decide to be a father in his one and only baby's life...I'm hoping he'll find it easier to do so now that we are for sure having a boy instead of a girl! :( Who knows though...I'm just grateful my baby is healthy and yaaay not long now till I can hold him in my arms! :)

3-8-2011

Well so surprised but sooooooo happy! Now a friend on facebook has me a tad worried....the ultra-sound and potty shot showed a boy...am hoping my baby indeed is a boy!!! I have quite a few things to go back and exchange for boy clothing and my travel system/car seat! I was a tad disappointed because I've gotten used to calling my baby Cami Jo and saying my baby girl, ect....but since the day I found out, up until my 20 week ultra-sound I was sure I was carrying a boy! Just a feeling and the old wives tales so when the tech said girl I was taken aback BUT now they say boy...I trust this tech and the pics and cd much more than I trust the first tech! 

I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I meet my little man! yay! Carmelo is like "wow"...who knows if in fact he'll be there for his son or not...I really hope so! But anyway I'm so happy but still quite dumbfounded to be honest!:)

3-6-2011 (sunday)

Today is boring...life has been pretty boring lately. I am just coasting through these days waiting for time to pass so I can meet my precious baby! I'm sitting here watching "american justice" and waiting for my sister to get ready to go into town so I can sign in. I'm so bored seriously! Carmelo texted me yesterday but it was really brief...I guess something is better than nothing at all. Of course I'll never let him know I feel that way. It's too much to let him see how vulnerable I really am.

Anyway I don't have much to blog about...I'm sad to say that my baby girl hasn't been very physically active in the past two days....she was going crazy in  there but I barely have felt her these past two days which scares me in a way! I can't wait until Tuesday....I have my 32 week ultra-sound so I'll be able to see her again and find out how big she's measuring! I hope that the ultra-sound pictures come out much better than they did at my 20 week one. I would like one really clear one to put in her baby book! :)

3-2-2011

So I got rid of the car I have had for over 5 years today. I sold it for $200 because I was having problems keeping it running and in all honesty I was just ready to get rid of it. It was a 95 Nissan Altima that needed an 80 dollar part but I'm sick of driving it, sick of the reminders, sick of looking at it, ect. Now I'm without my "own" vehicle but we have family cars and sis is looking at getting a newer SUV also.

I haven't talked to Carmelo after the other day of him saying he isn't sure that Cami Jo is his and that he is with someone else. It hasn't been as hard to move on now that he says he's with someone else...it has been easier than I expected. I'm done...I can't wait to have Cami Jo here with me and be able to get back into better shape and start dating (this time I'm going to be way more selective)...regardless I can't wait to hold my baby and look into her eyes and see her beautiful smile! :D

Anyway I just had a wonderful dinner of home-made chicken and noodles, mashed potatoes, and creamed corn. Yummy! Sabrina can cook so well when she takes a moment to do so! Now I'm beyond full and blah and ready to sleep. 

I woke up much earlier than usual (4am) and was awake until after 2:30pm then I came home and had to crash...I took a nap from 3pm-5:30pm and felt much better BUT I'm still sleepy again. 

Anyway that's all for now...my back is aching like crazy as always...Flexeril helps a ton of course but I wish I could get some actual pain meds because my back aches go all the way to my freaking bones especially in my spine...I'm grateful for the ease I get from the muscles relaxer because it takes away some of the tension in my back but doesn't give full relief...oh well though some relief is better than full blown torturous pain! :)