Man today has been rough. Well more this evening of feeling extremely hormonal, neglected, and sad! I had an MRI and an EEG (sleep test) today which ran way over so I didn't get to see Carmelo and with his crazy 10 hour days and late shift I barely get time to even talk to him. I love him so much and found myself tripping on him through text but had to apologize because my old insecurities are coming back and making me feel sad and insecure which sucks! 

I realize that I have to keep my emotions in check before I push him away or something. Cami Jo deserves two happy parents and I want to continue to make sure she has a family. The thought of us not being together scares me and that fear even if irrational causes me to act like an ass and accuse him of shit that I know in my heart he's not doing. Time for a reality check and to get my shit together again. I hate feeling so emotional and I hope he ignores the majority of the texts I sent him all but the last one. I know he hasn't read them yet because he is working still but now I feel terrible for sending all that bullshit. I have to get a handle on my damn emotions again because I don't want to blow up on him for my own insecurities like I did last time.

So I'm bored sitting here watching Daria. I meant to put the pics up here yesterday but forgot....I'm about to do that now. I can't believe I didn't take the time to meet with Carmelo. I just didn't feel like hanging out, I felt yucky and it is super cold outside and I didn't feel like sitting or driving around waiting for him to finish what he was doing. I'll see him tomorrow before he goes to work. Brina is making veggie soup and it smells sooooooooooo good...think it's done now so preggo me is about to go stuff my face. Oh here are the pics and a couple of Emmy our beloved puppy.

I am so feeling down today. I can't believe my ex was so shit-faced! I am saddened that I have not seen Carmelo since last weekend. We talk/text everyday but I indeed miss him and I feel extremely lonely for some reason today. I can't help but question how loyal he is being to me...I understand that his hours have changed and we live almost 40 minutes apart so without me having a running vehicle and him working 10 hour days at weird hours it's really hard to work seeing him into the day but I am sickened by my own feelings of inadequacy and paranoia of him finding someone younger (his own age) plus pregnancy hormones! Ugh!

Anyway hopefully things will start getting better and HOPEFULLY our damn blazer will get fixed......the motor that's been sitting in the garage for over a damn month is there and ready to be put in so we can have reliable transportation. I'm beyond frustrated with that situation to say the least! Ugh damn this really sucks!

Okay well I decided to be honest with Carmelo when he called before before he went into work. I feel terrible because now he is kinda pissed at me. I feel sad because I just wanted him to know what had happened and how I handled it....he wanted me to change my number awhile back but I am not the primary on the account and that is just such a darn hassle. Anyway I told him that I was simply trying to do the right thing by being honest with him like I would want him to be with me. I hope he will come around and understand because I really do love him and want things to be good between us.

1-5-2001

Damn it why did Oscar have to call me? He is fucking drunk after almost 12 years! Are you serious? I told him NOT to call me anymore because I DON'T want to talk to him and especially while he's drunk. I mean OMG he NEVER drank the WHOLE seven years we were together despite us using drugs together, getting clean, ect. I hate the fact that he keeps calling my cell and my house. It is after 11pm and my BIL is gonna end up getting pissed off at me and I've asked him to quit calling and told him I won't talk to him. Ugh so frustrating seriously! I hurt for him that he actually started DRINKING again after everything he went through. It's harder to fathom for me than him relapsing on drugs...I guess because he had a hell of an easier time getting sober from drugs than from alcohol. My heart is aching for him right now but at the same time it's not my problem. Ugh!

1-2-2011

I so don't have anything exciting to post about...am looking forward to Friday...my doc appointment. I am sooooo looking forward to hearing Cami Jo's heart beat again. I can't help but worry in between visits though I have clearly felt her moving frequently. I am so frustrated with my car...luckily the spark plugs and distributor cap was changed but the darn thing is still choking out and losing power and dying. It sucks since I have to go sign in at the 1/2 way house every single day. It's extremely frustrating to have to keep our only running vehicle for a two second sign in...it's ridiculous to have to waste gas that way also...okay I'm done ranting I can't wait to be 30 weeks then I'll only have 10 more weeks till labor. I'm 23 weeks tomorrow and time seems to be going slower now.

Slow Sunday.....I'm sitting here bored out of my mind making dinner...a beef stew/pot roast type of dish with some yummy creamed corn and yummy rolls! I finally figured out why Carmelo was asking about my facebook. He re-activated his FB account and now it shows us as back in a relationship. I love him to pieces and I am doing all that I can to deal with the longer hours he's gonna be working starting tomorrow. It kinda sucks to be honest but I'm desperately hoping that these next 17 weeks will FLY by so I can finally get to have Cami Jo here with me. I know it's kind of selfish but in all honesty I'm sooooooo ready to be a Mommy and I'm soooo ready to have her here, see her smile, have her need me for everything, be able to hold her, watch her sleep...okay I'm being mushy again but I can't help it. I finally made a "needs list" for Cami, a checklist that I am going off of to make sure I have everything I need for her...I have quite a bit to buy yet seriously but I'm soooooooo looking forward to it!

January 1, 2011

Well last night was great after all...Carmelo came over for the night and we had a great time...I LOVE being with him, snuggling, waking up to his handsome face! I miss him already and though it's only been a few hours and we have been texting back and forth I still MISS him sooooooooooooo much! I am hormonal and so in love I make myself sick hahaha! I'm worried because as much as he's looking forward to Cami's arrival there is a part of him soooooooo not ready....of course I feel the same but I mean we only have 17 weeks and 4 days left of me being pregnant. We bought her pack n play yesterday and set it up today...I'm so excited and growing more so each day......I soooooooooo want this next 17 weeks to FLY by so I can get on with being a Mommy to my precious baby daughter....I hope his worries subside once he meets Cami...there are no guarantees in life but I think we'll be great parents!