new pics and back to blond...woot woot....I'm HUGE but HAPPY! hahaha!

Yay!

I am so excited that the 96 Lumina seems to be a good ride for the price we paid. I am excited that I am only 5 weeks away from my due date and that I am feeling decent for the most part. I hate that I am feeling sooooo much pressure in my pelvic area...I feel like the baby literally is gonna fall out! I think tomorrow I am going to take a 35 week picture then one again at like 38 weeks.

Monday.......blah......

Oh I am so over life and it's stresses at this point in time. Ugh! I can't believe the burban's tranny went out....we don't have a second vehicle....and Carmelo text me a dumb text saying "LOL?" Okay he needs to be more careful about not sending me texts so obviously meant for someone else because we have only texted a few times in the past long while....I text him early this afternoon asking if he knew where a car was for like 800-1000 bucks, he said he didn't and that was that...he didn't inquire about our son in my belly, didn't ask how I was, didn't give a damn to conversate with me at all. I feel sick inside, sad, and very lonely. 

Life is really hard right now...I am grateful beyond belief that my son is healthy and growing great inside of me and still very active but I'm still very very sad that Carmelo and I aren't together anymore. My heart breaks over and over again and no matter how hard I try I just can't get over it. I have left him alone but inside I deal with the torment and sadness on a daily, sometime hourly basis! I just want to be loved by someone I can equally love and respect in return. I wish Oscar would freaking get back here and contact me already or at least call me so we could talk. If he's with his family and not incarcerated in mexico which I'm sure he's not incarcerated I wish he'd find a way to call me. I can't contact his family because his brother was really rude to me for the first time ever in our last text convo. I know he's not healthy for me either but I really do miss him and him  being there for me. ugh!

Wednesday....3-23-2011

Weeeell......I am up early as heck today. Have  been being a "grease monkey" the past two days....once we get the parts to rebuild the engine in the blazer I'll be a grease monkey again hahaha! Anyway Cayden keeps moving like crazy in me and I LOVE feeling him. I can't believe there is only six weeks left until I can finally meet my lil man. I took the tags off and washed all of my baby's clothes and blankies...got the diaper bag ready to go and stocked the diaper storage thingy on my pack n play so I'm pretty much ready to go....I put the bouncer seat together....car seat is out of the box...only thing left for me to do is put the stroller together I guess. :)

I met and started talking to this white guy...he's so not my type but honestly we have similar interests but sadly he's a pot-head...wouldn't be an issue but I'm not so good with temptation and being on probation for probably at least another 2-3 years I can't risk myself. I would never want to put my baby through the crap I went through with visiting my dad in prison...IMO this would be much worse because I'm his Mommy and since I have no real faith Carmelo is going to be any real sort of stable constant figure in our son's life I will be doing it on my own with the help of my wonderful loving family. No way is any substance going to get in the way of me being able to be a wonderful mama to my lil man!

So anyway I hope these next 6 weeks fly by because I can't sleep well at night, am tired of he physical aches and pains of my back on a daily basis. It's for sure worth it of course because OMG the miracle blessing growing inside me is worth any and everything I may ever have to endure without a doubt.......but I'm ready for the six weeks to be done with...just saying hahaha!

random stuff....

I just wanted to post the pics of the blankie I made for Cayden Alexzandre and the pics of Emmy :)

I am so lonely :(

I am really feeling lonely. The recent contact with Carmelo has made this painfully come back to the surface. This shit sucks and I HATE feeling this way. I wish Oscar would call me from Mexico. :(

Baby daddy.....

Well today I had contact with Carmelo....he gave me $100 towards clothing and things for our son. I told him calmly how I felt...I let him know that I still miss and love him very much and would love for us to work things out...I let him see the ultrasound pics of our baby boy and let him know that I really needed to know if he was going to be there for his son. I can't teach my baby boy to be a man...I can only do my best to be a good mother but I feel all children need a father figure in their life....he seems like he is going to be there no matter what happens between us....we ended up hugging and I kissed his cheek. I shed a couple of tears but quickly regained control and kept it positive and civil. I asked him to please make sure that he gets back with me if I text or call him because I won't be doing so in order to annoy or aggravate him...I want him to be available when I go into labor so he can come to the birth of his son if he wishes to do so...he agreed. I know he cares, his feelings were shining in his eyes...I mean he cares for Cayden but I don't think anything will ever come of our relationship beyond civil parenting for our son which is the most important thing......anyway I love and miss him so much but I will keep it under wraps because I don't want to get all hormonal again.

I got some really cute outfits for my lil man and am almost done with a baby blanket for him because I had made a really adorable one when I believed the tech that I was having a girl so I have to and want to make one now that I know I'm really having a boy! I should be finished with it by tomorrow or Sunday at the latest...just have to sew his name on it and put the monkeys on and the backing then it shall be finished...I'm excited....baby boy is kicking away as I type this...I can't wait to meet my lil man!