Depressed.......

It probably wasn't the best idea to sleep with him yesterday. I feel extremely miserable today. I woke up with severe back pain and feeling more depressed than usual. I need to go sign in real quick but I loathe the idea of having to drive into town! UGH! I feel like shit emotionally and physically and this shit just sucks! I need to put my heart away again but damn it I really love that dude...the fact that we are having a baby is the clincher for me and what makes it nearly impossible for me to walk away!

Sunday night....

Updated: Okay he just contacted me and apparently he's been asleep all evening. Ah my poor tired baby daddy hahaha! Gosh I hate how much I feel for him!


I must admit I'm a little annoyed....Carmelo had texted me earlier but that was at like 5pm and now I haven't heard back from him since. He said earlier that he's been putting in a lot of hours this week, he hurt his arm, and he just wasn't feeling that good. 

I know we are just friends and I should not expect him to all of a sudden start being all into talking to me and shit again...just because we slept together and he was holding me and I was holding him and we were just "together"...it didn't mean anything other than what it was I'm sure! I have to keep a level head so I don't get hurt. Gosh I sound like a rambling lunatic which is why I am journaling here instead of texting him like crazy or something!

Saki Saki........

So I got some sexytime saki saki today! It was fun despite the fact that he "went" way to quick....literally not even a minute....the twisted jealous side of me is extremely happy with this though because he only goes that quick when it's been awhile for him. Awe! I miss him and was happy to be with him again even though we are just friends...he rubbed and held my belly....kissed and held me. I refrained from telling him how much I wanted him back, I refrained from crying or expressing how much I love him. I just went with the flow and enjoyed the moment...I mean it was the only right thing to do. Needless to say I'm pretty happy right now.... :)

Saturday

I'm miserable......so miserable and lonely feeling today. I miss Carmelo as always and I just want to run to him and have him hold me....not realistic I know because obviously he hasn't said that he desires the same. I mean we agreed that we may meet up tomorrow but we are just friends. I am sick of being alone already but I mean fuck it, I'm not trying to go out and meet someone else, especially at this point in my life. I am bored beyond belief...I don't know it's just not a fun night tonight and I'm just really really lonely right now! :(

Friday.....

Okay so today has been really relaxed. We went shopping and by the time we got to walmart and we almost done I got a HORRIBLE pain in my lower abdomen and back! I swear I wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. It got worse so freaking quickly....after I sat down on a bench while sis checked out I felt much better but it was very scary! OMG I never felt anything like it honestly!

Carmelo and I texted a few times today with him contacting me first...I miss him as always but I just don't want to bother him in anyway....I can't believe I'm six and a half months pregnant already! I wish this time would go a little quicker though because I'm so ready to hold my baby girl.
 
I ordered a cool bouncy seat from Target.com and used my 20 dollar gift card that I got redeemed tonight. We ended up paying 26.00 for it after shipping and handling charges...paid more than we saved but it's really nice anyway!

26 weeks........

I am 26 weeks pregnant today........I am soooooooooo excited! I'm getting slightly depressed because I miss Carmelo very much today. He text me at 1:45am and again at 3am...the context was more like song lyrics but in all honesty I was worried he sent it to me on accident. He said it was meant for me and that was the last I heard from him. I'm sad because he didn't bother to text me today...I know life goes on but today is just one of those days I guess. 

On another note I just ate some yummy french toast (like I really need that fattening shit) but it was gooooooood. Now I'm watching the end of operation repo and I'm probably going to try and sleep early tonight so I'm not watching the clock when his break rolls around or when he gets off work. I hate days like this because I hate feeling weak! UGH!

Tuesday

Well today has been a decent one. I went to my weekly therapy appointment and actually made the report that needed to be made. I feel better. I haven't text or talk to Carmelo since yesterday and I know he's busy with work so I feel it's best to leave him alone and let him contact me when he's ready and has time. I must say that I am very disappointed with the prenatal listener...I only heard a HB once and haven't been able to hear it since. I'm not freaking out because she moves so much and the reviews of the product were all pretty much the same...no one able to hear the HB. I got a stethoscope today but haven't been able to locate the heartbeat with that either....though to be honest I haven't tried very hard. 

I am feeling anxious for no good reason....I am going to be 26 weeks tomorrow which means I'll only have 14 weeks left of my pregnancy until my precious precious baby arrives! I can NOT imagine the love and happiness I am going to feel when I can finally hold her in my arms....I love her so much already and the joy I feel when she kicks me and moves is intense. I can't wait!

I want Carmelo and I to get back together because in all honesty I miss him quite a bit. I want to be with him because he is a very stable, healthy, responsible man. I know that I can't "MAKE" anything happen so I'm leaving it in God's hands. :)

 

Monday--Jan 24th, 2011

Well this weekend was pretty much an eventful one. The old motor is out of the blazer and the new one started to get put in....there are many many parts that need to be put in still but at least a huge progress was made. I didn't contact Carmelo all weekend but he started texting me on Saturday to see what I was doing, how Cami Jo is doing, ect....we ended up texting pretty much all evening/night until 2am nothing major just random conversation. Last night (Sunday) he started texting me again and eventually we started talking about the baby, how he is still scared, how he feels about being a daddy, how he feels about life, ect. He made it clear that he wants me to give her his last name....then he ended up telling me that he misses me, we continued to talk until I had to end the conversation because I just couldn't keep my eyes open after 1am. 

I didn't ask him who he was with, where he was, anything...I kept it casual and Saturday he let me know he was at home playing cards with his uncle and cousin, let me know yesterday that he was at home and not talking to or texting anyone else. I let him know that I missed him too but all I was concerned with is that he do the best he can for Cami Jo. I still have a little hope that we may get back together but I am in fact letting him come to me...since he was the one with the lack of feelings or whatever I will do nothing at all except respond when he contacts me. He said he wanted to hear Cami Jo through the machine I got, he said he wants to do it on Sunday since he works Saturday. Although I was extremely happy that he wants to hear her, and see me....I just let him know that it's cool...whenever he feels like he wants to because I get to hear her all the time so whatever is convenient for him would be cool. I must admit that I am touched but am keeping myself in check!

Ugh these "friends" that we have working on the blazer......our male friend is great....he got custody of his 6 or 7 year old son, does the best he can, helps raise his GF's 16 year old daughter who is mentally challenged due to having severe shaken baby syndrome and they have a 2 year old son together....they brought the family out both Saturday and Sunday so he could work on the blazer and it's not them being here that's bad but they way she treats the kids, ignores them, makes her daughter try to take care of and discipline the other two. The way she doesn't bathe or bathe her children, the way she treats his son (the 6 or 7 year old) like he is a HUGE BURDEN! She is Extremely emotionally abusive, degrading, neglectful, and mean to  him. She fed the other two constantly but said he had to "ask" to eat....when he did she said that if he was hungry he should have eaten breakfast...mind you this was at 3pm. So he went and sat back down without having been given anything...the other two sat happily eating breadsticks and cheese dip while he sat alone in the other room hungry! I was LIVID so I took him an apple to eat and gave him so chips! Next day she treated him worse....they were arguing with this boy when they came in...."J" the child was saying that he only hit his step mom because she was punching him and pulling his hair and he asked her to stop but she wouldn't! WTF! UGH I wanted to punch this bitch and tell her about herself! She told him she couldn't wait until he went back to school today because "he'd been so bad all weekend"....are you effing serious? WHY would you tell a child that? Why treat him like he's a burden? His mom is an abusive bitch and his dad does the best he can....gives him love, affection, attention, ect....but dad works many many hours and doesn't see how his GF treats his son! If I didn't care about my male friend and respect what he was trying to do for his son I would sooooooooooo call CPS on her ass. I can't get past my anger and aggression that I feel towards the way she treats his son...she's neglectful of the other two meaning she doesn't pay attention to them but she is outright CRUEL to his son! I just want to bring that boy here to live with me or do something! I'm talking to my male friend (the dad) next time (in 2 weeks) when he comes out to finish the blazer. I want so bad to talk sense into her as well but I'm afraid of the trouble it may stir up...this boy is like a budding anti-social sad little boy with absolutely no self esteem and self worth! He had a terrible early childhood with his Mom and his dad spent years fighting for full custody and finally got it...ugh I wish I could make it all better for this kid. He has ADHD and is on medicine that has him like a zombie...my heart is bleeding bad for him I wish I could take charge, wave a magic wand, and make his life all better! UGH!!! Some people should NOT be parents! Luckily she is unable to have anymore kids!  I just had to get that out!

Changes.......

I am having a nice day today. Carmelo started texting me right before 2 o'clock today...he started out by asking "how's my Cami Jo?"  I was so touched and happy...but I just text him back and let him know that she seems to be doing well...kicking me and moving quite a bit. I simply answered his question...he continued to text me inquiring what I am doing, how I am doing, ect....I answered his questions and avoided asking him what he was doing or seeming too interested in our conversation...then once he got to work and got ready he called me...well I was away from my phone so I didn't know until I came back and by then it was getting late so I just ignored my impulse to call him back and began reading TPF posts hahaha....a few minutes later he called again....just to "talk" he said...I was touched but of course I will NOT let him know how much it means to me that he calls/texts just to check on me. I KNOW this does NOT mean ANYTHING! I KNOW rationally he is probably just bored...but this is the second day I haven't reached out and contacted him so besides being proud of myself I am touched that he reached out to me. To him I'm sure it means NOTHING so I'm not reading ANYTHING into it...it is what it is...BUT I have to admit it made my day!

today

I am feeling a tad better, I know that his phone locked up due to the excess number of calls yesterday (oops)....he told me he didn't hate me and I told him I wouldn't contact him until next month when I would need his help with getting the stroller/car seat combo, then once again after Cami Jo is born I'm gonna need his help with formula and diapers. I told him I would back off and do what's best for our daughter and i don't want him to hate or despise her because of me pushing him, ect. He looked sad and said he didn't hate me...he said he'd talk to me later. I feel better but now I'm gonna do everything in my power NOT to text him or call him or seek him out in anyway. It won't be easy but I have to be true to my word for baby's sake and my own piece of mind and dignity. I got through today and his break time without breaking down...I will get through each minute as it comes.

Well his phone is still off so I don't know if he blocked my numbers or if he shut off the phone or if the battery died.......it doesn't matter.....point is that there is no means of communication. I guess  this is for the best of course because I need to leave him alone and move on. I just hope since I only have 15 weeks left of this pregnancy that he doesn't go and change his number or something. He knows I won't go to his home because of his family and I'm not going to chase him down to his job or anything so I just hope this is a coincidence. I sent him one last text......pathetic I know! I've been very weak today and I finally have re-gained control of myself....my final text was simply "carmelo ya ganastes" or "carmelo you win"

I just can't keep doing this...there is nothing "to do" I mean how pathetic can I be when he already told me he lied about cheating on me to push me away because he doesn't love or care about or want to be with me?!?! That should have been enough to make me hang up the phone and regain my self-worth and self-respect. Tomorrow is another day and I will be stronger...I don't have much dignity if any left in this situation so it's time to walk away. I'm scared I will never hear from him again meaning Cami won't have him and that freaking terrifies me and the woman in me is desperately hoping he'd change his mind about "us" but I know realistically that isn't going to happen. I'm scared...I know I can do it on my own with my family but I don't WANT to...I want him with me..okay enough pitying myself..time to suck it up and go to sleep.

I'm losing it!!

Okay so I'm totally and completely losing it! I am feeling extremely low and if it wasn't for Cami being inside me I wouldn't hesitate to end my misery right now! I can't hurt myself because in turn it will be hurting her and she doesn't deserve that. He fucking shut his phone off and left it off all during his break! I'm devastated and pissed at myself for allowing myself to sink down low enough to contact him. I pray he doesn't change phone numbers because I won't have anyway to get ahold of him...my biggest fear is that he is going to bail on Cami since he threw me away like garbage so easily. He sees me as a fat, ugly, old, useless, less of a woman. He hasn't exactly said this but yeah it's obvious and I'm beyond devastated! I will probably never meet anyone else because I don't go out and mingle with people, I have no friends, no life, I just want to crawl into a hole and die! I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to endure this heartache. He'll never come back to me, I'm not good enough for him. I don't know why he would lie to me about cheating...I get that he doesn't want to be with me so he thought that would push me away. Sadly it didn't...I just want his love and acceptance. I'm beyond devastated and i don't think I can't continue on!

miserable

Well I'm feeling miserable and lonely and like I want to lash out and hurt Carmelo as bad as I'm hurting. We talked today and he admitted that he never did cheat on me but that he only said that because he doesn't care about me or love me or want to be "trapped" with me! Fuck that! That really hurt me bad!

I feel strong mostly but I am devastated in all reality. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me but I really do love Carmelo. I'm sick of always getting the short end of the stick in life. It's bullshit and it sucks really bad! I don't like feeling sorry for myself but seriously how much is one woman expected to take/deal with, and keep on trucking with her head held high? I'm sick of doing the right thing, sick of trying, sick of being positive or always trying to be. I'm ready for it to be about me...have someone actually devote themselves to me  the way Oscar did. Now all is different because I'm having a child and I know I shouldn't even allow these thoughts to get to me but I can't be strong all of the time. I feel like I'm losing it and I can't stop this misery!

Well nothing has changed with Carmelo...it's only been 2 days but my "hopeful" side was hoping that he would realize he'd made a mistake and come back. He called me twice yesterday just to say that he didn't have time to talk. Okay "WTH"?? I didn't contact him in anyway so I didn't expect his phone calls. Today he texted me briefly but it was just something non-important. I'm still hurt but I had my weekly therapy session today and got a lot off my chest.

I ran into my ex's brother in town today and found out some disturbing and sad news. I found out my ex is in jail....the night he called me he actually drove his car drunk and crashed into another vehicle then fled the scene of the accident so he's been in jail since then and will stay there until the case/sentence is complete then he will be deported. He asked his brother to find me but he had no way of finding me until we bumped into each other...all I can do for him (which I already did) was write him a letter and explain that he needs to fill out a visitor's form before his brother or sister can go and visit him. I feel terrible because he doesn't speak english basically at all and he has borderline schizophrenia/severe anxiety. His brother said they took his medicine to the jail so hopefully he's getting it. I feel sad for him but a part of me is relieved that he's in a safe place unable to continue drinking.

Okay enough of that....I am trying to maintain my positive outlook on the situation with Carmelo but all I really want to do is cry and beg him to change his mind. I won't because it wouldn't be him coming back because he wanted to.......nope I must be strong and focus on moving on and letting him go. I'm scared he's gone for good but that is out of my control. This sucks though..... 

New chapter.......

Okay honestly I've done some soul searching.......I used to always complain about a dear friend's wife being more of a "woman" (selfish, only focused on men, ect) and I don't want to turn into that. I must admit that I am sad but I am going to lock my heart away because truly my heart belongs to one person and that is my darling daughter! She deserves love, a mommy who is stress free (as much as possible) and me to devote myself 100% to doing what is the best for her. I don't doubt he'll be a good father and in all sincerity I must except whatever is meant to happen will. I know that God truly blessed me when he sent Carmelo into my life and we conceived this miracle growing inside of me. She was sent to me for a reason and I will do the best I can in making her a happy life full of love and goodness. I don't need to worry about having relationships, I spent enough time focusing on me so now it's time to move on and focus on baby! 

I am hurt in a way but in all sincerity and honesty I have no choice but to allow myself to accept the facts as they are. If Carmelo comes around on his own with no guilt or pressure from me then by all means I'm open to our relationship but at the same time I have to protect myself and my emotional well being in turn protecting the health of my precious baby girl. I love her already more than I've ever loved anyone or anything my entire life!

Not so bad now....

9:17pm  Well he went on break almost an hour ago and didn't text of course...I didn't text him either although honestly I wanted to. I am going to limit contact and not make contact unless absolutely necessary....right now there is no necessity great enough to warrant contacting him and I hope there isn't at all right now. I need time to work on me and make myself stronger. I can't believe how much I've gained during my pregnancy! I have been careful at what and how much I eat and here I am almost 25 weeks and have gained 23lbs. That makes me feel like a fat, ugly, miserable cow honestly! This sucks! I'm grateful that baby is growing healthy and all but seeing the numbers on the scale go up depresses me more than I am already and it sucks! Okay I'm not going to throw myself a pity party or anything but I really am sad. Oh well...am about to eat some whole grain cheerios without sweetening them I guess.

 


 I think I'm more bi-polar than I'd like to think or something hahaha! I feel so much better now. I mean I am still thinking of him but I'm not obsessively watching the clock thinking about when his break time comes...is he gonna text? blah blah blah...I know that worrying and stressing about it and beating myself up emotionally isn't going to change how he feels or doesn't feel. I love him, that's no doubt, but I feel seriously like everything happens for a reason. I know that he's been good on his word and helped out a lot financially already and is willing to give me money to buy whatever I need for Cami Jo now and she's not even here yet, he always says he loves her already and cares about her already...so when she's here I have faith that he'll be good to her. I can't deny to myself that I wish he felt the same about me and being my life partner but obviously he doesn't and that's a fact that I have to be okay with.


Thank God for long hot showers and middle of the day naps hahahaha! Oh yeah and apple butter, just ate a piece of bread with a little bit of apple butter (first time I ever tasted it) and it was goooooooooooooood! Yeeeah for feeling better...(okay I know I'm a dork but if it works, work it! right? hahaha)

I hate my fucking life!!

This really sucks. I can't stop crying today. I'm so hurt that he can just walk away from me with no regards and no regrets. We have been together for over 8 months and despite ups and downs I just don't understand how in the hell he can walk away. I hate my life, I hate life in general right now. I wish I could be selfish enough to say "fuck it all" but I just can't. I know I'll get through this...I just want to crawl inside a hole and die. I want to be numb!

wow

Okay I have no choice to accept what has to be....but my heart is aching pretty badly. I went ahead and deleted our pics from FB because it's too hard to look at them. I need  to change my profile pic on here as well. I love Carmelo though sometimes my heart isn't really all in it but it sucks to be dumped and to hear those words from someone I'm having my baby with. I have to respect his feelings and I sure don't want to "guilt" him  into changing his mind. As much as I really wanted us to be together I don't doubt that he'll be a good daddy to our little Cami Jo but I wanted him for me as well. I know he's very young, and it's sad and pathetic that I will still take him back...though truth be told I've cheated on him with Oscar but 7 years was hard to forget about...since I was confused I have to accept and realize that everyone is entitled to be confused, have doubts, and feel whatever they do or don't in this case. The old me would have made an excuse and ran to get coke....I know I've changed sooooooooo much because I can't even fathom doing that now. I got the support of my beautiful wonderful sister and mother and BIL...my sis came to have "girl talk" with me and needless to say I'm feeling much better....I feel better having gotten it out. I am strong and have been through a hell of a lot....that crap didn't break me so a little heartbreak sure isn't going to. Especially since I got such a beautiful unexpected blessing out of being with him! I can't wait to hold my baby girl in my arms, I may still be sorrowful if indeed this is permanent but at least seeing her I'll be able to remember over and over again that it was all well worth it!

Well life has such a crazy way of throwing us curve balls but not always bad. I did enjoy my time with Carmelo but sadly some of the beginning of what we talked about is still bothering me. I don't know if he was being serious or just feeding off of me because I was saying "I know....." and he says "well if you know then why are you asking".....I dunno. On the way home I got a phone call from someone very special to me....then got a letter from that person in the mail. Awesome it made me very happy!

I just wanted to upload a couple new pictures of myself at 24weeks 2days. I took them earlier!

So things are going better today....I called an old family friend and he's going to come and fix the motors in the blazer either this weekend or next for sure. I can't believe it is finally going to be taken care of. I should have called him a LONG time ago! Anyway I saw Carmelo today and got kisses and a hug and got a whole whopping few minutes because he had over-slept and my car was dying out again. I must admit that in fact that those few minutes did wonders for how I was feeling. I forgot that he only gets signal in the cafeteria which he did tell me before...I was just freaking out from my hormones and all the stressful car breaking down situations...I got my cymbalta refilled today and now that things with the blazer are going to be taken care of I feel much better. Hell I'm not even freaking out that my car is stuck in a bank parking lot and needs to be picked up and brought home which I'm hoping it will start when we go back and attempt to get it so that it won't have to be towed home. BIL should be able to pull it home with his suburban if it comes to that but hopefully with it sitting a day or two it will start right up and I'll be able to drive it back home. I didn't even wig out that Carmelo didn't text me on his break tonight...I was actually napping at that time which normally I obsessively watch the time for it to be time for his breaks and I feel asleep. Aside from this nagging stretching pain I'm having I'm feeling pretty darn good for once!

I am sooooooooooooo beyond upset with Carmelo right now. I'm sick of him not texting me on his breaks (well today anyway) I'm sick of his indifferent attitude lately (the past week)...I'm sick to death of feeling so lonely and I know a lot of it is my own hormones and not having my medicine for the past two days but seriously dude do you not have 2 effing seconds to answer my text tonight? UGH!! I fucking hate feeling this way! I am beyond ready to do something stupid seriously I won't though because my baby's health and my freedom mean too much to me but I want to beat the shit out of him! I want to cuss his stupid ass out and slit his tires! I want to take all my anger out on him because he doesn't think it's priority to re-assure me! Granted I should be feeling grateful that he spends his time working/sleeping/and seeing me when possible but seriously...how am I to know he hasn't met some bitch at his job? He says nop but how can I believe that? I am so sick of this shit and sick of being mentally sick as well. I can't deal with this crap!  I want to scream at the top of my lungs, rip off someone's face,  just fucking do "SOMETHING" to feel better! Anyway I am done stressing/ranting for the night I guess.

I am trying NOT to be frustrated. I NEED the damn blazer to be up and RUNNING! My car runs but I'm scared to take it to town and it end up totally going down on me because we can't afford the towing charges and I sure as hell don't want to lose my vehicle. GRR!!! Ugh I am so sick of it sitting out there with the old motor STILL sitting in it waiting to be pulled out and the new motor waiting to be put in. If I KNEW how to change the damn motor myself I would DO IT BY MYSELF!!! This is beyond frustrating and if he doesn't get the motor put in and the blazer up and running soon I am gonna go CRAZY seriously. I feel stuck and it sucks when I have to take Sabrina to work because she needs her car and obviously I want/need to see Carmelo during the day since I can't drive my car. I haven't seen him in a damn week and it's beyond aggravating and it makes me really sad. If I had the money I'd pay someone to come out here and put the damn motor in but we can't afford it right now and he said he'd do it but it's going on TWO MONTHS already! Seriously? UGH there is NO excuse!!!

Oooh I love my bebe!!

So now I feel MUCH better....my bebe just called me on his 11:30pm break and even though we only only had like a few minutes to talk I feel SOOO MUCH better! I love him more than I could EVER express in words!

Man today has been rough. Well more this evening of feeling extremely hormonal, neglected, and sad! I had an MRI and an EEG (sleep test) today which ran way over so I didn't get to see Carmelo and with his crazy 10 hour days and late shift I barely get time to even talk to him. I love him so much and found myself tripping on him through text but had to apologize because my old insecurities are coming back and making me feel sad and insecure which sucks! 

I realize that I have to keep my emotions in check before I push him away or something. Cami Jo deserves two happy parents and I want to continue to make sure she has a family. The thought of us not being together scares me and that fear even if irrational causes me to act like an ass and accuse him of shit that I know in my heart he's not doing. Time for a reality check and to get my shit together again. I hate feeling so emotional and I hope he ignores the majority of the texts I sent him all but the last one. I know he hasn't read them yet because he is working still but now I feel terrible for sending all that bullshit. I have to get a handle on my damn emotions again because I don't want to blow up on him for my own insecurities like I did last time.

So I'm bored sitting here watching Daria. I meant to put the pics up here yesterday but forgot....I'm about to do that now. I can't believe I didn't take the time to meet with Carmelo. I just didn't feel like hanging out, I felt yucky and it is super cold outside and I didn't feel like sitting or driving around waiting for him to finish what he was doing. I'll see him tomorrow before he goes to work. Brina is making veggie soup and it smells sooooooooooo good...think it's done now so preggo me is about to go stuff my face. Oh here are the pics and a couple of Emmy our beloved puppy.

I am so feeling down today. I can't believe my ex was so shit-faced! I am saddened that I have not seen Carmelo since last weekend. We talk/text everyday but I indeed miss him and I feel extremely lonely for some reason today. I can't help but question how loyal he is being to me...I understand that his hours have changed and we live almost 40 minutes apart so without me having a running vehicle and him working 10 hour days at weird hours it's really hard to work seeing him into the day but I am sickened by my own feelings of inadequacy and paranoia of him finding someone younger (his own age) plus pregnancy hormones! Ugh!

Anyway hopefully things will start getting better and HOPEFULLY our damn blazer will get fixed......the motor that's been sitting in the garage for over a damn month is there and ready to be put in so we can have reliable transportation. I'm beyond frustrated with that situation to say the least! Ugh damn this really sucks!

Okay well I decided to be honest with Carmelo when he called before before he went into work. I feel terrible because now he is kinda pissed at me. I feel sad because I just wanted him to know what had happened and how I handled it....he wanted me to change my number awhile back but I am not the primary on the account and that is just such a darn hassle. Anyway I told him that I was simply trying to do the right thing by being honest with him like I would want him to be with me. I hope he will come around and understand because I really do love him and want things to be good between us.

1-5-2001

Damn it why did Oscar have to call me? He is fucking drunk after almost 12 years! Are you serious? I told him NOT to call me anymore because I DON'T want to talk to him and especially while he's drunk. I mean OMG he NEVER drank the WHOLE seven years we were together despite us using drugs together, getting clean, ect. I hate the fact that he keeps calling my cell and my house. It is after 11pm and my BIL is gonna end up getting pissed off at me and I've asked him to quit calling and told him I won't talk to him. Ugh so frustrating seriously! I hurt for him that he actually started DRINKING again after everything he went through. It's harder to fathom for me than him relapsing on drugs...I guess because he had a hell of an easier time getting sober from drugs than from alcohol. My heart is aching for him right now but at the same time it's not my problem. Ugh!

1-2-2011

I so don't have anything exciting to post about...am looking forward to Friday...my doc appointment. I am sooooo looking forward to hearing Cami Jo's heart beat again. I can't help but worry in between visits though I have clearly felt her moving frequently. I am so frustrated with my car...luckily the spark plugs and distributor cap was changed but the darn thing is still choking out and losing power and dying. It sucks since I have to go sign in at the 1/2 way house every single day. It's extremely frustrating to have to keep our only running vehicle for a two second sign in...it's ridiculous to have to waste gas that way also...okay I'm done ranting I can't wait to be 30 weeks then I'll only have 10 more weeks till labor. I'm 23 weeks tomorrow and time seems to be going slower now.

Slow Sunday.....I'm sitting here bored out of my mind making dinner...a beef stew/pot roast type of dish with some yummy creamed corn and yummy rolls! I finally figured out why Carmelo was asking about my facebook. He re-activated his FB account and now it shows us as back in a relationship. I love him to pieces and I am doing all that I can to deal with the longer hours he's gonna be working starting tomorrow. It kinda sucks to be honest but I'm desperately hoping that these next 17 weeks will FLY by so I can finally get to have Cami Jo here with me. I know it's kind of selfish but in all honesty I'm sooooooo ready to be a Mommy and I'm soooo ready to have her here, see her smile, have her need me for everything, be able to hold her, watch her sleep...okay I'm being mushy again but I can't help it. I finally made a "needs list" for Cami, a checklist that I am going off of to make sure I have everything I need for her...I have quite a bit to buy yet seriously but I'm soooooooo looking forward to it!

January 1, 2011

Well last night was great after all...Carmelo came over for the night and we had a great time...I LOVE being with him, snuggling, waking up to his handsome face! I miss him already and though it's only been a few hours and we have been texting back and forth I still MISS him sooooooooooooo much! I am hormonal and so in love I make myself sick hahaha! I'm worried because as much as he's looking forward to Cami's arrival there is a part of him soooooooo not ready....of course I feel the same but I mean we only have 17 weeks and 4 days left of me being pregnant. We bought her pack n play yesterday and set it up today...I'm so excited and growing more so each day......I soooooooooo want this next 17 weeks to FLY by so I can get on with being a Mommy to my precious baby daughter....I hope his worries subside once he meets Cami...there are no guarantees in life but I think we'll be great parents!